The Olympic Games are here. Are you watching and rooting?
Every four years the world’s greatest athletes gather in some city that’s spent years and billions of dollars preparing for them, building stadiums and sporting venues of the highest quality so the athletes can go faster and higher and be stronger. The culmination of years, if not a lifetime, of training is on display as the athletes compete for an Olympic medal, that symbol of greatness for their chosen field.
As you watch them sprint and jump and swim, they are often compared to animals in terms of “as agile as a cat” or “with doggedness to their training” or “swims like a shark” or “leaps like a gazelle.” These comparisons are apt as the human animal does things that wild animals do when chasing a meal or trying to avoid being one.
But the animals have their own behaviors and actions that they refine from the time they are playful little babies, behaviors and actions that, after watching them with the Olympics in mind, I’ve decided are just as exciting, or at least awe inspiring, as the human endeavors in sport. It is with that in mind that I’ve come up with a series of “events” I think animals should be recognized for that I call the Pet-a-Lympics.
Let’s start with the dogs
The Wait Dance and Tail Wag: Akin to a gymnastics floor routine, the house dog either knows something is up or is wanting something to be up. Maybe it’s a snack, maybe it’s a walk, maybe you’re home from work and going to pet them or let them sit in your lap. (I have a 45-pound dog that would be a lap dog if my lap was big enough!)
In a frenzy of movement they wag that tail and go through an excited floor routine waiting for the desired activity to commence. The judges look for the tail with the fast and steady wag, with just a bit of a curve to the tail and not too droopy.
Next is the little excited dance steps the dog makes, like they are doing a high-speed, back-and-forth samba dance.
And lastly there are extra points for a good tongue out display as the dog pants in anticipation. There is a category for penalty deductions, but who’s going to deduct points from a little cutie like that who is prancing with skill and grace just waiting to spend quality time with their fur-parent?
The Stick Chase: Moving into the next competition zone, we’ll check on the sporting Stick Chase. Just like the Olympic kayak events have moved to man-made obstacle courses, so the lowly stick has been largely replaced by chew toys and squeaky playthings, so any kind of throw and retrieval item counts in this event, the more clever, the more “originality points.”
The dog is judged on three key points: anticipation, chase and fetch, and continuation. While I personally never like to tease my dog with a fake throw, some owners do so to humorous effect and the dog doesn’t seem to mind, realizes it’s part of the routine.
Then there is the actual retrieval that scores the most points. If outside and using actual sticks, which I do — call me a traditionalist — or whether you’re using the artificial sticks, the dog is judged on enthusiasm (almost all dogs score a 10) for the chase and retrieval, with extra points if the dog shakes the stick or chew toy in a manner that imitates the dog has actually caught some type of wild game, and then bonus points for any type of vocalization such as a growl once they’ve captured the item thrown.
Finally, there is the return that sets up the next throw. Is the return quick and efficient or does the dog get distracted, wandering around a bit or even distracted by the water dish? In my own case with a real stick, my dog is always hesitant to give up the stick, only willing to drop once a second stick is proffered and thrown. Not gold medal level at all. It’s important to note that after a fetch the dog can be rewarded with either a pat on the head and/or a tasty treat, which, as far as I know, is about all the fourth through last finishers in the Olympics get.
In a highly specialized event that seems to be disappearing, there is the newspaper fetch. Some years back I had a dog named Jake that I taught to get the newspaper when it was tossed out at the end of the driveway. Jake would go up, get the newspaper gently in his mouth and then return to sit in a porch chair with it until someone came and got it.
It seems as quaint now to think about a dog fetching the newspaper as say fencing or cross country horse racing is in the current Olympics. The original intent of the activity in the case of fencing being duels and warfare, and the horse events, well, warfare, where as the paper fetch is a shadow of retrieving a duck during hunting season. The only problem with Jake is once he got the idea the reward was coming for a fetched paper, it wasn’t long until he started fetching all the papers in the neighborhood. We’re going to have to deduct points for that.
Let’s move to the cats
The Ignore is perhaps the widest competition in Catdom, with all cats competing in it for the Gold. The most points are awarded for the ignoring of things you would think the cat would not be able to turn down. Cats are the only animal in the zoology world where the word “finicky” comes into play. Finicky is never used in conjunction with any other critter. Nobody ever said, “That otter sure is finicky.” Only cats wear this moniker, and proudly at that.
It seems the only thing I’ve seen a cat can’t say “no” to is a laser pointer. Everything from tasty food to favorite treats to knitting thread, a cat can always just say “no.” They don’t even have to look at you, and usually they get extra points for ignoring you as well as the item offered. The blank stare, the sassy turn of the head, it all adds up for a real go at the Gold.
The Nap is the flip side of the coin to the Ignore. Location comes into play here for the highest point score and the quest for a perfect 10.
There are two ways the cat can score big, either by getting in the best place for a nap, namely the sunshine coming through the window or in an easy chair you want to sit in, or, in an opposite manner, the hidden napper, with the cat disappearing somewhere in the house where it can’t be found. Perhaps on top of a cabinet somewhere behind a flower pot or in the deep recesses of a closet.
The hidden napper is frequently a successful contender in the Ignore competition, with the hidden napper ignoring all requests to come out, even to the point of shaking the treat bag and getting no response. One really has to admire the competitive discipline it takes to pull this kind of thing off. Years of nap practice pays off in the long run for the cat of the family.
Olympians have the hop, skip and jump competition, or triple jump. For the feline fans, it’s the Claw, Scratch and Sharpen event. It takes place at different venues depending on the cat. For some, it’s the side of the easy chair, regardless of whether it’s leather or fabric. Either way there are going to be shreds of material hanging where once a solid piece of furniture covering was stretched tight. Or it might be the sofa. Heaven forbid the lady of the house leaves a chiffon dress hanging out somewhere, lest a gold medal performance be registered.
Another area where this event takes place is on the wood frame of a door inside somewhere. This leads to scratched wood, toothpick-sized splinters and a scuffed finish. But what price glory? Sure, this event also takes place on trees outside or wooden fences, but where’s the fun in that?
Lastly for the cat lovers, let’s go to an outside performance venue for the Birdfeeder Leap. In this event much of the training that has taken place in the other events can come back to really pay off in dividends. The cat settles down to a nap-like state of complete stasis, no muscle or flick of the tail observable. After a while, the birds gain a false sense of security while their hunger rises. The cat will wait until just the right moment when an unsuspecting bird is leaning over the feeder and unable to see the furry bundle waiting at the bottom of the post. It is then the cat leaps up in an effort to nab the bird on the wing.
The heights the cat can jump are truly amazing and in this event you will see your cat leap higher than you ever imagined that the cat would probably ever jump for you. With a bit of luck, the bird is snagged, and with a heap of luck, you are around to free the bird, releasing it to come back another day.
Another day, another medal in the Pet-a-Lympics!
Mark Hannah, a Dalton native, works in video and film production.